10 Things About You
Swaying Tail
luna_redmoon
10 Things About You
9 Things You Love
8 Things You Fear
7 Things You Want
6 Places You Want To Go
5 Favorite Foods
4 Favorite Books
3 Favorite Films
2 Favorite Songs
1 Picture of Yourself

.
9. I love my fiance`.
8. I love my dogs and how their goofy smiles seem to always brighten the day
7. I love my fish and how calming they seem to be.
6. I love working with my hands
5. I love working on computers
4. I love hiking, and going to blue Hole
3. I love hanging out with what few friends I have
2. I love watching my dogs play with theirs
1. I love my son, regardless of anything

10 Day You Challenge
Swaying Tail
luna_redmoon
10 Things About You
9 Things You Love
8 Things You Fear
7 Things You Want
6 Places You Want To Go
5 Favorite Foods
4 Favorite Books
3 Favorite Films
2 Favorite Songs
1 Picture of Yourself


10. I hate my life. I pretty much always have.
9. I dont know what it feels like to be loved by family.
8. I am a terrible mom who just gave up
7. I seem to connect better to animals than I do to people, let alone my own blood
6. I have nothing in life worth living for
5. I fail at most everything I try to do, thorough plans or not, still fails.
4. I cant keep a job,
3. I am fucked up in the head way beyond repair.
2. I dont know how to make sound when I cry
1. My biggest fear in life is failing those I love.

Emotionally Conflicted...
Swaying Tail
luna_redmoon
Emotionally Conflicted...
We doing christmas at my grandmothers a bit early and I feel so....wrong. I am not completely sure how to explain it.
I mean....I dont know what I mean... I feel bad because my grandmother got me a really expensive Pandora bracelet and several charms. Each costing from 65-85. (she left prices on the tags) and totally over 300 not including the bracelet part itself. I feel so guilty. Because I am not the girly type. I dont wear jewelry (my earrings are permanent and wear originally my nipple rings before they healed, so 14 gauge center ball rings)  I like it. Its pretty, and that charms are cute and sorta fit me. Fish, Dog charms, My birthstone, and some plain balls to seperate). All I did was make homemade peppermint bark chocolate candy for everyone... I got my mom a "mom" necklace and some lotion, Jamison a few gifts, and thats it. Oh... and gave my little cousin a betta for christmas... But that was it. I didnt get anything from anyone else. Other than $25 from my great grandmother. And that made me kinda happy...


I feel misplaced because I have to invite myself into conversation. Then this other chic comes over just to eat dinner and basically con my mom into doing her hair. She is 19 and extremely sheltered or was or something but I think thats an excuse because she dont talk right. I dont know how to explain it. Its something you would have to just hear to understand. And she just acts like she is closer to 14 than 19, and rather play with Jamison, 17months and Charity thats 9. And yet my "family" says she is sooo mature and grownup and adult like. I think its just because she dresses preppy and was homeschooled. Not judging her, I like her, but they never say anything like that about me. Only that apparently I make pretty babies. Not that I get to enjoy my kid... Since my mom first even hinted that she wanted him and wanted to take him away I felt disconnected. I guess preparing myself for the day she took Jamison for good (that was the worse day of my life... worse than losing my home, my car, my job, Or even the days following quitting drugs...

Im upset because I feel like there is no use in life. There is nothing for me out there. Nothing. Everything I do is fail. I am not allowed to have anything. My computer breaks and I cant fix it, I know how but I cant afford the parts, Then Phillips computer goes whack and I am not competely sure how to fix it. I am frustrated because I feel like I should know the problem... and yet I dont.

Then we all went to walmart for a few groceries.. I decided to look around to find me something to do, something I like or whatever. Try to find myself something. Something to keep me occupied and to cure boredom or depression, something to make me happy. But I couldnt find anything. I went through every single isle. Looked at every single item. And nothing struck me. There was 2 or 3 things like a PSP or something or new computer but nothing I could afford of course. Seeing as all we have to our names currently is 200... wel... 197 exact with a few pennies. So at not finding anything that depressed me worse. I mean whats wrong with me??? Why cant I ind anything I like or want that makes me happy? Not something for someone else or something for my pets (even though that makes me happy...  >.>  )  Why?

Chains...
Swaying Tail
luna_redmoon
A young girl looks toward the sky,
She wonders why?
Her feet & hands chained,
her emotions maintained.
The wind whips through her hair,
She wonders who cares..
Chains stuck in solid rock,
chaining her freedom to a block.
Bare feet on the ground,
No one around.
Soft tears,
become her fears,
alone and cold,
This story going forever untold....

(no subject)
Swaying Tail
luna_redmoon
As black as the darkest night
With flaps of of angelic wings I take flight
Through the darkness I am the only light
Even with eyes closed nothing can escape my sight
With a flare from my soul everything becomes bright
Stuck in my mind nothing is going to be right
This battle is becoming a never ending fight
The tension from my world is becoming too tight
My emotions are consuming me I am becoming irate
I can not shake this uncomfortable feeling of hate
All of this is putting me in a fragile state
It seems that to destroy everything has become my fate
They've lured me in using power as their bait
Now I can no longer escape for me it is too late
In my soul hatred and pain have made their incision
These tortured souls wont leave my vision
Inside hate and love has come to a collision
Now witch way to go is up to them it is their decision

10 Day You Challenge
Swaying Tail
luna_redmoon
10 Things About You
9 Things You Love
8 Things You Fear
7 Things You Want
6 Places You Want To Go
5 Favorite Foods
4 Favorite Books
3 Favorite Films
2 Favorite Songs
1 Picture of Yourself

This one is easy.  I love the french version of lion king. <33
 
Queen of the damned
 
and interview with a vampire is tied with grimlins for 3rd place lol.

 

10 Day You Challenge
Swaying Tail
luna_redmoon
 10 Things About You
9 Things You Love
8 Things You Fear
7 Things You Want
6 Places You Want To Go
5 Favorite Foods
4 Favorite Books
3 Favorite Films
2 Favorite Songs
1 Picture of Yourself

 
 
I have alot of favorite songs. It depends on my mood really. But I do love anything from disturbed... and Nymphetamine from COF is always great <3
 
Plus I love the sang, "Can you feel the love tonight" but in french... only the freck version... its soooo much prettier I think...
 

10 Day You Challenge
Swaying Tail
luna_redmoon

10 Things About You
9 Things You Love
8 Things You Fear
7 Things You Want
6 Places You Want To Go
5 Favorite Foods
4 Favorite Books
3 Favorite Films
2 Favorite Songs
1 Picture of Yourself





My favorite picture of me and my oldest dog, Lou Lou.
Sorry for it being fuzzy

not much change....at least not any good.
Swaying Tail
luna_redmoon
well... been thinking about alot of things lately. been researching florida shelters and help from them. since there is absolutely nothing for me or my family here in tennessee. and being here only makes me more and more depressed.... him being away so far doesnt help either... i know it wouldnt have been the best choice but sometimes i wish we had found his dad.... i know they hate each other (or at least phillip hates him) and i know for the most part why, and i dont blame him. but at least we would have had a chance of staying together.... and had our dogs. and a place to stay even if it wasnt the best. i can handle phillip's outrages for the most part. and his other personalities...excluding zander. but davvol i can handle. i know how to work around him.
and he can control some of mine. i know he can with luna...as spirited as she is and if not then bio can. and i know meriki, once he figures out what she wants she is good. he has never met eli, and i hope he never does... i feel disgusted that eli is even a part of me....is even there...

but now he is with his aunt, and she seems to be a bit airheaded...or at least never listens. she keeps taking him to the beach when he hates crowds, and swimming. he sees couples together and that depresses him. she takes him to resale stores where he sees things like what jamison has, and that depresses him. she takes him "site seeing" which they only end up going to taco bell and once again...the beach. and he gets depressed cause i cant see it and enjoy it with him.
he tells her he doesnt want to go but she doesnt listen. also to top it off, yes, he has a job, but apparently something is down with the machine and he has no work until its fixed. and that was a few days ago and still no word on it yet. so after only being able to work just a few thats...this is worrisome.
he also applied at another place, but he had a family member kinda fuck them over when they worked there before and because they share a last name they told him no way go away. so no luck there either.
meanwhile, still fucked on the car. the price is still going up with no money to pay it. going to lose everything... well...whats left of everything... we just need a fucking car!!! my mom trying to sell me her car. cause after the wreck they spend all their savings on a new odyssey... of course. its my mom. likes luxery cars. threw a fit for this one too cause "its so big and has so many nice features for if i wanted to go on a road trip!!!" which, she been talking about since i was 8. has yet to happen. yet her and jim take plane trips all over. and she just got back from washington not too long ago. and planning another trip to new zealand.
i cant help but feel like their pet. i feel worse than the dogs....
im locked in the house all day with no interaction from people from 7-9am to 7-11pm. it sucks. and i hate it. i have to stay in the room for hours (my cage) and then released to the yard for a few hours (living room). no one to talk to. cant even see what goes on beyond the fence. just like the dogs. and i stay here waiting to be able to go someplace. any place. actually get out and see people! waiting for the long awaited ride to go someplace...only for someone else to be chosen to go. each. and every. single. time.
like they will always take bear everywhere even though he has attacked people before. even bit jim a couple of times and bit through his hand breaking a few bones. yet, they take him. while riley and cooper and lou lou sit and wait for their turn. once in a blue moon he will take the other 2 boys but lou never gets to go....just like me...
they will come home for a few moments just long enough to shower, shit, and change clothes to go eat. but i never get to go. unless i BEG to go, or someone else is around when i ask. i dont even really care about eating. just want to get out of this fucking prison...
mom also is still bitching about me not having a job. yet she wont take me anywhere to apply. heard her on the phone last night when i was in the bath. she was on the phone with someone talking about how i applied for school "but im not holding my breath on it. dumber than a box of rocks and too stupid to live..."
i hollered out that it would be nice to have a little support or confidence...but she only laughed and said i was speaking nonsense.
i wish i had parents to support me. even tell me that what i do is good. ever. praise me on anything that i did. even look at my drawings.
when i was younger my mom used to brag how good i could sing, but whenever i did sing i was always told to shut up. no matter where i was or what i was doing. and then she would ask me to sing in front of her friends...and i just couldnt bring myself to it. still cant. and she still does the same thing.
tells people how my drawings excelled when i was in school. but now that im out i cant even get her to look at them! and the bad thing is, i look back at my work from then, and i wonder how i was even proud of it. then i realize...i was proud because it gave my mom attention. people priase her for how good my work was. intern, hearing her talk about it made me happy. but now, when im not in school and no one else sees my work, she could care less, cause no attention on her.
same thing with my son. she takes him away whenever attention is involved. showing him off. but who always gets stuck with the dirty work? he is technically in her custody until i can get on my feet, and yet... im still the one taking care of him.
i fear my mom will take him completely from me...and she will and can if she has him in her home for over 12 months.
and i fear he will be brought up like i was... my mom always put me on pills for most of my life. sleeping pills. hyper activity pills. etc. i was numb throughout most of my childhood. i dont even remember much except from when another member of my family or moms friends took me from her and me off the pills. but that never lasted long. my mom was always back and forth on drinking and drugs too. i realize that now that i am older. i also realize that the men that came over were not mom's friends from work or whatever... i also was able to combine my memories to those of others who were around like my aunt carrie who stayed with us as a live in baby sitter.
even now, recently, as in just a few years ago back when garth and i first got back together before i was pregnant and doug lived her...doug told me she would get him to pick up small packages from places. and she would always act real funny about it too.
then i remember back when i had my cricket phone and my mom would always ask to borrow it. i had my number set restricted so i guess thats why. i remember deleting messages saying "hey wanna get more of that later" or "meet tonight and trade off?" or "damn that was some good shit!" and more..
that was only about 2 or 3 years ago. i know alot of her co workers do pills too. i know this because i would sell mine to them and somehow she would always end up with some. and then she would get groggy and i could steal some back and turn around resell them. endless process. this is recent too, cause i would sell my painkillers from when i had my son and had an episodomy.. had busted my ear drum. and had my ovarian surgery.
i never sold them for much. 3 a pill when average they are 5-7. i just sold them enough to have some money for gas to get where i needed. thats how i got money to go to alabama... and i really needed the pills too. still do. still having alot of ovarian pain... but afraid to go to the doctor for fear of what they would tell me. im terrified of cancer...my sister was eat up in it and died because of it and it started out as ovarian cancer. my mom had it too. and my close cousin had it and just went through a hysterectomy. i fear im going to have to have one... mostly my left side...its always the worse...but lately the right side has been acting up too...
there is sooo much drama and shit going on...
not to mention i have to go see a shrink person like thing friday. mom keeps telling me to just let loose of everything. exagerate if i have to. i know its just so i can be locked up the the mental institute they have there...
i fear alot of things. being told im completely nuts. being told nothing is real and im making it up when i know im not. but that one lady seems to believe its post partum depression but i dont see how as i been going through depression since middleschool and before then actually.
i fear them locking me up. i fear not going cause maybe it will help. i fear they will put me on disability income (which wouldnt be so bad, actually good, but parents would want the money meanwhile calling me a nut case). i fear being worse than i actually think. i fear....everything....
and then theirs the issue of alot of my depression is being away from phillip... it wasnt as bad when he was in bama...at least i had a car then and could drive and visit. less than 4 hours drive... but now he is in FLORIDA.... 12 hours... and i dont have a car anymore... and i feel like hell. and every muscle in my body aches. i find it hard to get out of the bed in the morning cause i know he is not here and there is no telling of how long it will be until i will see him again. phone helps some...and so does skype... but afterwards its like it hits me harder...



its getting hard to see to type...going to get off this now...

(no subject)
Swaying Tail
luna_redmoon
so yeah...not much change since the last entry.... some good happened...but im still fucked. phillip finally got ahold of his aunt, who moved him down to florida THAT NIGHT...waaaay too soon for me.... that was hell on my heart... ive had to see him go twice in less than 4 weeks... i only had him back for a week... and now he is being taken from me again. i cry at the littlest things. like i realized he left his favorite cereal and i cried cause i couldnt get it to him. i cry when i see lou lou walking around all mopey looking for him. i cry whenever someone (or tv) mentions the word "daddy" and our son looks around as if waiting to see him.

not to mention, i no longer have freya.... i couldnt bring the pups to my mom's cause her mental dog bear would kill them. i hate that fucking dog...wish he would fucking DIE!!!! and i dont often say that about an animal. any animal. but he is crazy and fucked up in the head. took the snakes to a petstore to just GIVE them to them. only because we had no way of keeping them warm. my friend let us stay in their shed for a few days...freezing cold in the rain. they obviously didnt want us there but we had no place to go!!! they are the ones that said we could stay.... read on facebook on her status there was mention of a "thorn" which she claims were my puppies, but i know better.

and she hated bailey. said she wasnt right in the head. and out of control. im sorry when my dogs mind me and phillip and only us. im NOT sorry she decided to breed her dog, a LARGE dog. larger than bailey. already has 2 schanuzers, her doberman bitch. keeping 2 doberman pups about the size of bailey actually... not to mention 3 or 4 other pups she isnt keeping. in a house that has 4 people already. and 17. fucking. cats.

i miss him.....
he is down in florida, having a great time. has a job through his aunt's "friend" who he suspects is interested in his aunt. also said "friend" has a ps3 and r.e.5 and he is loving on that. even went to the beach. seems great. good EASY job, good pay. always gets off early so he has plenty of time to fuck around play his magic game online. also the place has a swimming pool.

meanwhile im stuck at my moms. not wanted here either. and she bitches when i get people calling her phone to hire me, cusses them for calling so much. cusses me about it. i dont get the job. then she cusses and bitches at me for NOT HAVING A JOB. so im fucked either way. my car is still in the wrecker place. would have been 157 if i got it out that day... but 15 is added each day. plus the MAIN part (right axle) to fix it is about 100, not to mention the labor for it. and then have to replace headlight, fender, front body piece. probably replace the tire. im FUCKED!!!!

I miss living in our car...at least we were together then. he says he misses it to. hates being so far away (even though i know he is having fun, he feels bad about it). but once again we was together. had transportation, shelter over our heads, it was a car but better than anything. and now we are in a way worse than we started...

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